Living God's Will, Even When It's Hard

These posts, as I have said elsewhere, are mostly a reflection on my own spiritual life, after personal reflection, and are specifically meant for myself, though there may be general application, which is why I publish it. The reader should see these writings in this light of an individual's personal reflection.

O Lord, rebuke me not in thy indignation, nor chastise me in thy wrath.

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak: heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.

And my soul is troubled exceedingly: but thou, O Lord, how long?

Turn to me, O Lord, and deliver my soul: O save me for thy mercy's sake.

For there is no one in death, that is mindful of thee: and who shall confess to thee in hell?

I have laboured in my groanings, every night I will wash my bed: I will water my couch with my tears.

My eye is troubled through indignation: I have grown old amongst all my enemies.

Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity: for the Lord hath heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord hath heard my supplication: the Lord hath received my prayer. (Psalm 6:2-10)

THE VOICE OF CHRIST

MY CHILD, it is necessary for you to learn many things which you have not yet learned well.

THE DISCIPLE

What are they, Lord?

THE VOICE OF CHRIST

That you conform your desires entirely according to My good pleasure, and be not a lover of self but an earnest doer of My will. Desires very often inflame you and drive you madly on, but consider whether you act for My honor, or for your own advantage. If I am the cause, you will be well content with whatever I ordain. If, on the other hand, any self-seeking lurk in you, it troubles you and weighs you down. Imitation of Christ Bk. III Ch 11

How do I, as a sinner, know God's will?

"Desires very often inflame you and drive you madly on, but consider whether you act for My honor, or for your own advantage." How important it is that we understand this: There is only one way to enduring happiness: Following God's Will! How do we learn it? We pray and reflect, certainly. But still, how do we know that we are not just imagining what we do is according to God's will? If we reflect honestly, we know we have nearly an infinite capacity for fooling ourselves. I look back, and I see many choices I made that are not in accordance with God's will, where I convinced myself that God didn't really mind. There are things among God's law that my human nature rebels against, and that lower part of me wants to choose my will. I was sure of myself, but now look back and see that in my choices I harmed myself and others. Look back and think ... has this ever happened to you? Haven't we all done the same thing? Do we avoid thinking about those of God's wishes that might make us uncomfortable? Do we pretend that He is pleased when we make choices which (deep down we know) do not lead us closer to Him?

So, how do we know if what we are doing pleases God, or if we are just kidding ourselves? If we accept God's will, and Jesus ordains it we will be at peace. Otherwise, we will make decisions that may seem to make us happy right now. We are easily fooled. Do our choices result in situations that wound us and others? Do they ultimately make us sad? If so, it is time for serious self-reflection. Let us not blame someone else, we have no control over them. It is time for serious self-reflection, and we need a serious conversation with God and with our own conscience. We must not be complacent.

The safe way is to obey God and His Church, even if we do not understand the reason why. Always. Did Adam understand why eating a fruit from one tree and not another would cause spiritual death? Apparently not. We must trust and be humble and know that God understands better than we do.

Why does a good God allow us to suffer?

God so loves us and wants to console us and make us happy. Why is it then, that our desires are so often opposed to that which is actually good for us? From a natural standpoint, no one desires to endure the surgeon's knife, but we do so to regain physical health. A child may wish to eat nothing but candy and to drink nothing but soda, but her mother makes her eat nutritious food so she can grow to be healthy and happy. Our spiritual lives are the same. We are children, and like all untrained children are prone to gratify the senses without regard to the consequences. If self-indulgence is death to the body, we can be sure it is also death to the soul.

We, are as children who must trust their mother to give them good things. We discover only by child-like trust in God that the path He lays out for us, where we deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow Him is the true path to happiness. It is a path we must be faithful to - like a child, we will not understand right away that the very thing that is sometime so painful is the path to spiritual health and happiness!

One of my very early memories is a painful one. I was just a little boy - I do not believe I had yet started school. I was running in the backyard, and stepped right on a rusty nail. The pain was so intense, I remember it vividly to this day. I remember through my tears seeing my mother's very sad and concerned face. She told me that I could not understand that what she was about to do would hurt her more than me. She promptly stuck my foot in a bowl of peroxide! Can you imagine how angry I was with her? How could my own mother hurt me like this? Yeah, she was right! I didn't understand, and I screamed and howled at her to stop!! Can you imagine the agony she suffered by causing her beloved son so much pain? How it broke her heart to see the suffering in her little child's eyes and hear anger in his voice! Yet, she caused me this great pain so that my foot could be saved. How I now tenderly regret this pain my good mother suffered for me. How I wish I had the wisdom then to go give her a hug later and thank her. How I would give anything to do so now! How grateful I am for this lesson on motherly love ... on God's love!

Why does God allow us to suffer such pain? Even the "evils" that befall us (except sin) - our crosses, our sorrows, are selected by Him with the greatest love. "For whom the Lord loveth, He chastises." (Heb. 12:6) We will never know in this life the tender care with which the Lord follows us around. "The very hairs on our head are numbered." (Luke 12:7) God is madly in love with us, yet He deems it proper that we suffer in this life.

Hope in God, for I will still give praise to him: the salvation of my countenance, and my God

So God loves us, yet this is how He treats us?! How does this make any sense? But to a six year old boy, pouring peroxide on a wound and causing even more pain doesn't make a whole lot of sense either. Does not God "pour peroxide" on our souls in order to heal them? How painful this is! God does not spare us this pain! Why not? This is for our good? But how can this be? Who knows? Do we really think we can understand the Wisdom of Almighty God? We can ask God and complain lovingly as Jesus did on the Cross. But like Him, we ultimately say, "not my will, but Thine."

We are like little children. We are spiritual beings, but our senses only detect physical things. Comprehension comes only with much prayer and reflection. Why did God tell us we must become as little children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? Because we need to acknowledge God is infinitely wiser, and trust that He directs all things to our good. God clearly allows us to suffer in His Divine plan, and even wills us to suffer. Yet God loves us with an infinite Ocean of mercy, not even sparing His Son, so that we might live. We suffer pain now, but only to enjoy infinite joy and heavenly bliss hereafter.

Inconstancy

Failing to discern God's will isn't the only problem. How often, after the Lord showed me I was seeking after my own will and not His, did I waver - inconstant in His service, thereby causing even more sorrow to myself and others? I might try almost anything to avoid the sorrow, anxiety and pain. I am STILL avoiding the "peroxide" even today as a fully grown man! I know better, yet fail all the same! "For I do not that good which I will [to do], but the evil which I hate, that I do." (Romans 7:15) St. Paul speaks here about original sin and our fallen nature. From the time Adam and Eve fell from grace, all of mankind (save Jesus, and by the grace of His passion, His holy mother) has been afflicted with what the Church calls "concupiscence." Even the great St. Paul was afflicted with this condition, how can we escape it?

But we can triumph over it, as St. Paul surely did. If we fail to follow God's will in acts that are manifestly sinful, how easy it is to be blind to what God wants to show us as the best direction to take in our lives? How easy it will be to ignore that interior Voice which shows us which path to take? How easy to accept this path one minute, and justify our own wishes to go in a different direction in the very next?

I must be honest: I know full well that I have often saw things clearly one day and offered this sacrifice to God only to go in a different direction the next day, hour or even minute.

But we can escape this inconstancy, this weakness of will. We must, as Sts. Paul, John the Baptist and countless saints after them. He must increase, but I must decrease. (John 3:30) We can escape it only through cooperation with God's grace. To accept this grace, prayer (of course) is necessary, because we need supernatural help to act in a manner pleasing to God. But it is not sufficient in itself. As Aquinas says, grace presupposes nature. What this means in this case is that without building a strong foundation in our nature - resistance to our own will by denying ourselves, we can never expect to have the strength to boldly fulfill God's will as He has destined us to do.

Self-denial is essential. It is the very foundation upon which the Holy Spirit builds His magnificent temple in the souls of the Saints. Christ teaches us to deny ourselves for very good reason. It is only by keeping our eyes on God alone that we can receive the supernatural strength to overcome this inconstancy by which we reject our own wills and accept God's.

St. Colette was a very holy and extraordinary woman of the middle ages who founded an order reforming the Poor Clares order of nuns to their original rule. She was instrumental in bringing the Great Western Schism to an end. Though she founded a religious order and was instrumental in ending that great schism, her primary mission in life was to pray for the Church. Diabolical forces were so enraged by her holiness and the efficacy of her prayer that they attacked her mercilessly, swarming around her taking the shape of hideous insects and stinging her. St. Colette appealed to the Lord that the demons prevented her prayer. The devil said "Cease, then, your prayers to the great Master of the Church, and we will cease to torment you; for you torment us more by your prayers than we torment you.” St. Colette only wanted a little peace so she could pray. A noble aspiration is it not? Yet God had other designs on her for His glory. St. Colette understood this, and rather redoubled her efforts in prayer and told the devil she would count the day during which she suffered nothing for her God, as the saddest of her life.

St. Colette wrote in a letter to one of her nuns:

"We can do nothing by ourselves without the aid and grace of God. We can neither do good nor resist our enemies. We need to turn to our good and true Master, Our Lord Jesus Christ and to beg him to equip us with his weapons so that we can the more surely overcome."

Yes, yes, we need prayer. But is this all? No! Our saint did not pray each day in a soft glow, receiving divine consolation at every turn. She persevered in the midst of the most vile attacks of the devil. How often are our prayers disturbed by the flies, wasps and hornets of evil thoughts, sadness and discouragement. Are we to give up and think our prayers worthless? Noooooo. It is at this very moment that the hour of grace is at hand. We do not see hideous insects flying around, but our time with God often seems marred by the "flies" and "hornets" of distraction and temptation. If we give in, we become weaker and more prone to attack in the future - despite the search for temporary relief. If we persevere in great things and small, we become stronger.

Let us take a lesson from this story. St. Colette begged the Lord to take away these distractions because they hampered her prayer. They did not hamper her prayer at all! They were an effort by the evil one to get Colette to stop praying, because her distracted prayers were powerful, and their downfall. St. Colette learned a valuable lesson here: spiritual consolation is a wonderful thing, and we ought to cherish it, but they are a beautiful oasis, to rest and refresh our souls. Battles are won during times of trial. Though she felt as if she was not praying, her prayers in the midst of distraction was that prayer which pained the devil the most.

Don't quit yet - victory is at hand when things seem darkest.

Very few are called to suffer in the manner of the saints, but in our own daily lives we all must call on the Lord so as to resist the devil, the flesh and the world in our smaller battles. Then we shall receive consolation and that peace which only the Lord can give. We do this with the Cross as our shield and the truth as our weapons in union with Mary and all the saints. Just like Jesus on the Cross, it is at the very moment where we seem defeated that we are on the verge of great victory! Never, never, never give up! Victory is assured, and it may be at the very moment you are to gain a great victory that you give in, and then all your hard work and prior faithfulness is for naught.

As Our Lord tells us here, we must resist our sensual appetite subjecting it even by force to the spirit. Do we give up too easily on our prayers when we are tired or inconvenienced? Do we mostly seek when we eat satisfaction of our taste buds or the means to keep our bodies healthy? Do we discipline our bodies in small ways so as to grow the strengths of our will so that we can resist evil in the day of temptation? Even those desires which seem to us at first glance to be good, or at least morally neutral can cause us grief later on in ways we could not have foreseen. However if we pray and do penance according to our means and state in life, our intellects and our wills will be strengthened to recognize the path we are to take. Our natural abilities to choose good will be strengthened and we will receive supernatural grace to discern the path and follow it faithfully.

God's will is truly the key to happiness now and in eternity. Through living His will and His love, we attain that peace of Christ which the world cannot give. Purified by prayer and penance, we will offer to Jesus through His Holy Mother the gift of our hearts and souls. For this purpose we were made, for this we have come to be: to give praise, honor and glory to our God Who loves us so much and desires our love in return. This is where our true joy can be found: to give this gift of self-sacrifice to the Lamb of God, Who sacrificed His life for our sins.

The Lamb that was slain is worthy to receive power, and divinity, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and benediction. Apoc. 5:12